Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to yet another Christmas season. Before I begin listing gift recommendations, I’d like to take a few minutes to reflect:
It’s interesting how the Holiday Season somehow brings out the worst in people. Now don’t get me wrong. My name isn’t Scrooge, but you can’t deny that people’s attitudes change drastically as the sacred day approaches. I’m talking about a certain group of people in general: Moms with strollers. At what point do child transportation devices become weapons? I, for one, am tired of being deliberately tripped, bumped, cut off, and mauled by strollers. Parents move so fast in department stores these days that when they turn corners, they skid, or “powerslide” as it’s more commonly known as in the street-racing community. It’s no wonder strollers come equipped with those little seat-belt things these days. I can just picture it: a mother is dashing to a 5% off sale at Robinson’s May when she is T-boned by a father sprinting towards Sears for a “Tool Exposition”. One child is ejected, and flies into one of those carts that sell fake hair. Hair everywhere. The other child skids and comes to rest at the entrance of a trendy clothing store that plays techno music at deafening levels. Fake hair and techno: bad combination. Parents these days; they’re insane! However, I have seen worse.
Those people that ring bells. Of course charity is important during the holiday season, but there’s only so much money I have! And it’s not like ignoring it will make the problem any better. The closer you come, the louder they ring, thus the more hearing you lose. Dropping money into that red canister isn’t really about donating out of good will; it’s more like insuring your own auditory health. Even when I do give money, it’s usually coins, and for some reason the “God bless you” I receive seems more angry than thankful. But maybe that’s not my place; besides, this isn’t Thanksgiving, people. It’s Christmas.
And Christmas means more horrible tasting food! HOORAY! I’m talking about candy-cane flavored ice cream, peanut brittle, and burned Christmas cookies that your least-favorite neighbor gave you. Oh, and who could forget about eggnog? I think that such crappy food is the true reason that people are in such a stupor this time of year. Like the other day I was at the mall trying to get some food. Now- I’m not sure who’s in charge of hiring people at Panda Express, but WHY are all the employees illiterate, pessimistic, and half-asleep? After telling the lady behind the counter for the THIRD time that I want WHITE rice, she asks me if I want anything else. Yes. I would like a shotgun so I can put myself out of this misery. Yet… it’s not the poor lady’s fault. She probably had some Eggnog before work. Somewhere between the intense parents, the strollers, the bell-ringers, and the burned Christmas cookies, I have a revelation: It’s every man for himself this holiday season. So by golly, USE that stroller to trip people. RING that bell in people’s faces. DRINK that eggnog till you’re about to vomit! When venturing into department stores, I hope you look like an angry, stroller-wielding American with eggnog dripping down your face.